I think you're fresh and stuff.

I woke up several weeks ago and found myself to be in a strange and alarming state. I couldn't identify this feeling of discomfort at first and thought it might be a respiratory problem judging by the tightness in my chest and a sort of lightheadedness that was occurring. I had trouble going about my daily functions, this malady had befallen me at least once before I could tell, but I still could not identify what could be going on with my body. I looked to my standby favorite, WebMD. Apparently there is no place to type in 'stomach feels like it has a brick in it'. Unable to diagnose this issue (Tuberculosis? early stages of Leprosy?*) I started to shovel through my memories mining for when I had last felt this sensation, it came to me amidst the reading of my student's paper. I groaned and laid my head down on the desk.

My student asked me 'Is it that bad?'
I say Paulo, your paper is fine, I think I have a crush that's all.
A pause occurs.
Not on you Paulo.
What are you going to do about it Miss B?
I'm not sure. What do you do when you have a crush on a girl?
I send a text to her telling her I hella like her, and if she acts like its cool, I send her a picture of me without my shirt.


Flashbacks arise to the last time I had a crush, lets call him, I don't know, Rob. Actually his name was Rob. Later on I found out that his middle name was Thomas and couldn't stop making jokes about it, further alienating him. He had a hearing aid and his eyes were set sort of like a hammerhead shark's, I could have loved him. After a series of failed attempts at initiating, I somehow through a stuttering phone call asked him if he'd like to get a drink. Shockingly, he agreed. I was nervous and reticent with my conversation at a nearby bar.
He attempted to engage in conversation
"On the count of ten tell me the most embarrassing thing about yourself you can think of"
I replied with exactly the worst response that could be ushered forth from my mouth
"I had a UTI last year."
Immediately I cringed, I'm not sure that I had even had one. You see, I have this nearly demonic voice that makes me say the worst thing possible during situations where I have my personal dignity laid out on the line. Dates and interviews tend to bring this voice out, it was responsible for me spouting out an anecdote related to my urinary tract. It has also resulted in me being yelled at for trying to touch the artwork in museums. He replied with his most embarrassing moment after a moment's hesitation.
"I used to be a dj on college radio"
Needless to say I never spoke with him again. I would not be surprised to find out that he has a restraining order against me.

I stopped being able to sleep as well at night, disgusted with myself for having succumbed to this madness. I found myself staying up late, listening to AM programming typically conspiracy theory related, starting to believe I should be buying non-hybrid seeds to store for currency in the future. What would I do about this situation? How could I express my crush to the object of my affection while still retaining some remnant of composure?

Finally the solution came to me.



Let this be captioned one of the following:
"Shawn A., I HELLA like you"
or
"Had I know a more somber melody was warranted, I would not have selected the Fine Young Cannibals"

*Hansen's Disease (I'm told leprosy, while more fun of a term, is antiquated)