I'm not going to lie, I've gotten really fat lately. I keep looking at my phone to see if any of my friends have called me, no missed calls ever appear. They say they're busy or staying in, but I know the truth. They are ashamed to be seen with me because of my new found corpulence.

I'm thinking there is only one solution for this, to get even bigger. At least there is a niche market for that. I haven't yet heard of an audience for conspicuous issues having to do with the torso area on an otherwise average sized person.

Henceforth, I will make it my resolve to be one of those really jovial large people. I'll start wearing more prints or something (now that I know my place, resigned to the social periphery ). Next time you see me I'm going to look something like John Candy, but more self effacing with longer hair.